When kindness is cruelty

When the path is obvious and present circumstances, associations and relations do not support it for anyone involved, change is needed. Courage to affect change becomes necessary. Courage, often at the expense of feelings or reputation. What is the action most aligned with the higher good? How do I not settle back into destructive patterns of the past? How do I set someone free who willingly remains in the cage even when its door remains eternally open and incentive to stay within is completely removed? No manner of kindness seems to help. I have tried. I care about her, hope for her happiness and success, believe in her talent and abilities...but know strongly and without doubt that our paths are diverging. I know what I must do. I know that it will hurt her emotionally, but she and I are no longer on the same journey and we must part ways or neither of us will progress beyond this point.

I am walking a new road. I am seeking new companions and friends. It is truly cruel to be kind at this juncture. I hope she understands.

Adventitious Synesthesia: squinting the paradigm into focus

Sometimes one must close an eye in order to see clearly, or shield against the sun for the sake of perceptual clarity. Seeing through. Hearing around. Tasting and smelling in between… moving beyond the confines of sensate machination into subtle dimensionality of intrinsic substance… the true filling in the cosmic sandwich. Painful, intense, unsteady, flickering on and off rapidly and erratically in a disjointed creative flow. Your voices swim in seas of punctuated checker boards and algae-like drifts of prism smoke. Buzz. Buzz. Buzzing without rhythm. God cannot see me here, under this canopy. I am small and easily concealed from the eyes of judges. Walking clumsily on unsteady knees, seeking comfort close to the flame and finding calm repose in the intense heat of ancestral igneous spirit. Burn away flesh and bone, leave only the trembling in the walls of my stomach and long bones of my shrinking thighs. Shake me. Peel me like weeping onions. Heal me. Heal me. Heal me.

Project Jackblack

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Translates to:

"This is is the final warning on this site - all further warnings will be given on jackblack12.info. Beware Ardent Sentry. Be alert for Semis bearing the sun icon. Not all federal authorities are involved"

See:

www.jackblack12.info (The timestamp for your input is: 1277190180
The date for your input is: 2010-06-22 08:03:00 ).

www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/4220575/Blackjack.html

http://mediamonarchy.blogspot.com/2009/06/ardent-sentry-09-noradnorthcom-terror.html

http://justgetthere.us/blog/archives/Ardent-Sentry-09-NoradNorthcom-Terror-Drills-on-June-18-24.html

http://www.whois.net/whois/jackblack12.info

Destiny sandwich with onions

“I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be. There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day but today.” Johnathan Larson

So. Shit. It's out there before me and I cannot stave off the inevitable collision regardless of my own intentions and illusion of choice. It's coming like a train in the dark. What is my purpose? What is my path? If I am without choice, then why do I hesitate? Why do I wonder and hope for something more, something better, something normal and responsible? Hope is a lie of sorts, told by our rational mind to our reptilian brain to subdue its restless, impulsive actions. Hold the reins. Stay the course. The trains a coming. Full forward. This is gonna be messy.

Exhuming Bodies

Sooooooooooo

I've been conducting a postmortem on past relationships, trying to understand the dynamic that destroyed them and looking at my role in the destruction. Sometimes I can see what I did to contribute to the demise. Sometimes, honestly, I think I did the best that I could, that even a superhuman effort would not have been enough.

Most of my SOs (I haven't had many) were decent, humane, perfectly normal people with legitimate issues between us. Issues that were bigger than our combined abilities could overcome...that's life and we dealt with the fallout like adults. We still respect each other and even drop a line to say "Ello" here and there.

BUT..Some of them, like XXX and her pompous entourage, are just awful, insensitive, selfish life sucking douche bags. Plain and simple. No explanation, no justification, no rhyme or reason. They just suck. I'm alright with that. XXX, in particular, was a black hole pulling in all light and life within her gravitational field. I just realized that. Epiphany.
I can't own that anymore...I just let it go.

I have been owning the guilt of failed marriages and relationships for way too long and I want to wash my hands of it all and move on. I'm alright with who am. I am aware that any semblance of humanity and ethics I saw in some of these women was my own projection upon a blank, empty, bleached canvass. I am turning off the projector and sending back, in waves, the awful energy spent on building impossible structure into impossible relations. Feel it, it's coming your way now.

As for the "real" one's: I am thankful for the lessons and the opportunity to grow.

And so it is.

Petition for deliverance

This run hasn't been easy. It hasn't been particularly enjoyable and it has left some very deep scars. 42 years, at least 30 of them have been absolutely rife with disappointment and various degrees of pain. What the fuck was I thinking when I signed that fucking contract? I'm wondering what would happen in the karma department if I decided to get off the ride now instead of waiting. I'm just sayin...even the good times seem to have hidden burs and splinters. I think I just reached the bottom of my barrel. The very bottom. I recognize it. Been here a couple of times before…it has an odd peace associated with it, the wind blows through here and the sadness is absolutely exquisite. I want this to be over, not just this episode or this event or even this decade. I want the whole mortal experience to be over already. I’m not enjoying it. Not at all. Too many mistakes, too much wasted time and opportunity…I just want to go home now.